#SickDay

Posted on Feb 3, 2016 in Adulthood Stole My Cool, My Kid Stole My Cool

#SickDay 1

You’ve probably heard by now, but the Washington, D.C. area got hit by a blizzard over a week ago. It was kind of a big deal. Schools shut down for over a week. Or for parents, an eternity.

And then, this past Monday, the clouds parted, a chorus of angels sang down from the heavens, and schools reopened! Hallelujah! After a week mostly spent stuck at home with both kids pretending to have fun playing in the snow and baking and watching Frozen 15 times, I dropped Elisabeth off that Monday full of excitement and joy. But when I picked her up a few hours later, she appeared a bit… peaked.  No. Nope. Not happening. She’s not sick.

Yes. Yup. Happening. She was sick. Full on fever, and later that night, puking. And James – who has had The Cough (you know, that nagging cough that kids get in October and doesn’t go away until March) – was particularly mucous-y and gross. So I called it: Tuesday was a sick day. Baton down the hatches, we were staying home.

I get it. Kids get sick. It happens. It’s just that the timing of this sick day was a particular affront.

Really? REALLY? Elisabeth gets a fever and upset stomach THE FIRST DAY BACK TO SCHOOL IN OVER A WEEK. Could they not have gotten sick when we were snowed in?

I love my kids. But being stuck inside with my 20-month-old boy and four-year-old girl ALL DAY because it would be morally wrong to expose their snotty, feverish, germ-y selves to the outside world is… trying. Sort of like being stuck inside all day with the Tasmanian Devil and Regina George.

I started the day off as any good parent would – letting Elisabeth zone out in front of the TV. Unfortunately after that, severe sleep deprivation clouded my judgment and I took out the craft supplies in an effort to “do” something with my children. Bad move. One of the main reasons I send my kids to preschool is so that I do not have to do this kind of stuff with them at home.

Do not attempt this at home.

Do not attempt this at home.

Chaos ensued, and I decided to take to Twitter. It’s the Millennial thing to do.  So in my laziest blog post ever, here’s the Twitter version of the longest ever: #sickday.

 

Indeed, Elisabeth is quarantined at home again today. When she A) Put herself to bed at 6:00 B) Without Dinner and C) In the middle of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, I should’ve known things were serious. But alas, I probably won’t be tweeting about it all day today; I think I developed carpel tunnel from all the typing. How do people do this all the time?

Anyway, figured some of you parents out there could relate. If you’re into this kind of thing, you can follow me on Twitter here, and go ahead and give my Facebook page a Like if you’re interested in keeping up with this blog and/or gratuitous posts of weird things my four-year-old says.

Hope you and yours are staying healthy!

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How to Headbutt (According to a Toddler)

Posted on Jan 13, 2016 in Uncategorized

How to Headbutt (According to a Toddler) 0

James here. It’s been awhile since I’ve made an appearance on this blog, but I’ve been working on my headbutts lately and I think I’ve really perfected my technique. I’m here now because I want to share my skills with you. It just doesn’t feel right to keep this knowledge from my other toddler friends looking to fight the man. Or the mom. You know when your mom is all up in your face, trying to snuggle and smother you with kisses and you’re just like, “WOMAN, I NEED MY SPACE!” but you can’t quite talk yet? (I like my snuggles when I like my snuggles, okay?. Usually around 2:30 AM. Get over it.) Or maybe you’re happily coloring on the walls, expressing yourself, and your mom tries to take away your Sharpies. Or, like, you’re scaling up bookshelves and your mom decides she needs to remove you. I know you have so many things you want to say to her that you just can’t. Well, the headbutt is the perfect form of nonverbal communication to get your point across.  And there are so many ways to do it! These are my top three favorite. I hope you find them useful. 1) The Head-to-Head Headbutt: This is the classic headbutt. Simple, but powerful. Say your mom is all up in your grill – and you are NOT having that – this is the fastest way to get her to back off. First, as she nuzzles up in your face flash her your cutest smile. That way she won’t know what’s coming. You want the element of surprise here. Then quickly – speed is key – arch your neck back and WA-BAM! Connect your forehead to hers in one swift movement. The best part of this headbutt is that it will totally stun her, but won’t hurt you a bit. I can’t explain why. Just God’s gift to toddlers, I suppose. 2) The Backwards-Butt: This one is a little more tricky, because you’re usually attacking from a defensive position. Like if your mom tries to get you out of the bath...

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A Look Back at 2015

Posted on Jan 1, 2016 in Adulthood Stole My Cool, It's the Navy Life, My Kid Stole My Cool, The Kids Are Actually Cute, Travel Traumas

A Look Back at 2015 1

Hello, Friends. This blog has not seen much action this year.  Mainly, because of this rascal: I’d love to write more, and hopefully will in the upcoming months. In the meantime, this post is my attempt to recap everything I would have blogged about this past year had I had the mental capacity to do so. Here it is, 2015 in one blog post: January: The stressful end of 2014 – unending remodel, constantly sick kids, overworked husband, extreme lack of sleep, etc. – continued on into January, but things slowly turned up. The remodel wrapped up, we sort-of sleep-trained James (though it didn’t quite take), we began to settle into a routine. Now that James is a walking, running, climbing little boy, it’s hard to imagine that just a year ago he was still a baby, but it’s true, and this month saw him teething and cruising (or, the beginning of the end for me.) February: Snow, snow, snow. School closures, school closures, school closures. I don’t know if Elisabeth saw the inside of her classroom that month. Instead, she watched a lot of Frozen. I’m a good parent.  I also had an unfortunate incident in a Trader Joe’s parking lot involving my Toyota Highlander, a pole, and a personal injury lawyer’s BMW. Can we talk for a second about how it’s like a requirement that every Trader Joe’s has the worst parking lot in the city? Seriously. Every. Single. One. Anyway, moral of the story is don’t go to a Trader Joe’s on a holiday the day before a massive snowstorm.     Oh, we did have an exceptionally beautifully warm and sunny day in the early month that happened to coincide with our wildly successful housewarming party. Win! March: March was a good month. Mainly because I stopped nursing James. If you read my blog last year, you may remember I basically ate birdseed for the majority of his infancy due to his allergic colitis. Well, that sucked, and he and I were both hungry all the time. So I began eating cheese again and he...

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Summer Days, a Song

Posted on Sep 1, 2015 in Adulthood Stole My Cool, My Kid Stole My Cool

Are any of you still on summer “vacation”? What. The. Heck. My daughter is only three, and yeah, technically she doesn’t even need to be in school. But I need her to be in school.  Like, yesterday.  However she doesn’t start for two more weeks.  It’s September, people! By the time she goes back to school, she will have been on break for FOUR FREAKING MONTHS. In the meantime, my son is getting his molars and has been waking up multiple times every night for the past few weeks.  Between that and the endless summer, I have officially gone crazy.  In my madness, I penned a little ditty to the tune of Grease’s, “Summer Nights.” Unfortunately I don’t have the technical skills (or the musical skills) to film a cute YouTube video of me singing it, so you’ll have to sing it to yourself. And don’t pretend like you don’t know the song.  I know you do.     SUMMER DAYS Summer vaca, kids having a blast Summer vaca, it just lasts and it lasts I swear it’s true, I’m losing my mind Kids don’t care, they think it’s fine   Summer days, not drifting away, no no Endless summer days   Well-a-well-a-well-a, huh Two weeks more, two weeks more Camps are making me poor Two weeks more, two weeks more Moms start drinking at four   The college kids have all left town There’s not a babysitter to be found Go to the park again and again Tell me why we paid this month’s tuition?   Summer sun, school has not begun, oh no Endless summer days   Well-a-well-a-well-a, huh Two weeks more, two weeks more How can days go so slow? Two weeks more, two weeks more These kids really must go   My kids’ new parent is PBS I simply could not care less Four months of summer is just plain cruel Our neighborhood doesn’t even have a pool   Summer fun, can it please be done, but no Endless summer days   Well-a-well-a-well-a, huh Two weeks more, two weeks more Don’t think we’ll make it...

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Seek and Destroy: Everything My Toddler Son Would Rather Do Than Read

Posted on Aug 30, 2015 in My Kid Stole My Cool, The Kids Are Actually Cute

Seek and Destroy: Everything My Toddler Son Would Rather Do Than Read 2

My daughter loves to read. She always has. As a baby, she would sit contentedly on my lap looking at board books. As a toddler, she would page through her stories for an hour at a time, if I let her. (Of course I let her. An uninterrupted hour to myself? Heck, yeah!) Even though she cruelly gave up naps weeks before my son was born, I could at least rely on her to read to herself during a mandatory quiet time. It was – and continues to be – my saving grace.   I thought James would inherit this love of books. As usual, I was wrong.  The kid has zero interest in reading. Like, none. I am partially to blame. I was far too tired to read to him as a baby like I did with Elisabeth. Perhaps I missed the opportunity to instill a love of literature in him. I’ve surely stunted his future academic achievement as there is no way he hears the recommended 30,000 words/day necessary to ensure literary and language success. Unless hearing, “Stop!” or, “No!”, or “That oven is hot!” over and over 30,000 times counts, in which case he’ll be fine. His future intelligence aside, I mainly wish he would read because reading usually involves sitting still.  Sitting still means not destroying my house or finding new ways to hurt or kill himself.  But, no. Books – boring. Electrical cords – fun! Reading – nerdy. Death defying stunts – exhilarating! So, what exactly does he like to do, if not read? Almost anything. Here you have it: A list of everything my toddler boy would rather do than read. 1) Sniff his lovey. It’s super weird but super cute, and notable because it’s the only time he is ever still. And while he absolutely loves sniffing his lovey, this unfortunately does not account for much time in his day. 2) Climb into bookshelves. (Which of course requires removing all the books from the shelves first.) 3) Climb up the bookshelves. 4) Eat crayons. Really, most of the greens in James’ diet...

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The Day I Went Dog Sledding

Posted on Aug 17, 2015 in Travel Traumas

The Day I Went Dog Sledding 0

Normally if you were to ask me if I’d like to vacation in Alaska, I’d tell you, “Hellz no.” I think of Alaska and I think of: Cold. Snow. Bears. Salmon. Sarah Palin.  I don’t think: Vacation! But then if you were tell me that Alaska is actually stunningly beautiful and you can enjoy it from a swanky cruise ship and your parents are going so you won’t even have to really take care of your kids, I’d say, “Let’s leave immediately.” So that actually happened. Damon, the kids, and I had an opportunity to go on an Alaskan cruise with my parents and we obviously took it. While Alaska was never one of my must-sees, it has been on Damon’s bucket list for years. He envisioned bear sightings, salmon fishing, kayaking through fjords… Meanwhile I envisioned enjoying the scenic views while sipping the cruise line’s unlimited free wine. It was a win-win. (In reality, we were traveling with two small children so none of the above happened.) On our first night on the ship, my dad announced he had a surprise for Damon and me. A surprise? My interest was piqued.  What kind of surprise could he possibly have planned on a cruise ship? “I’ve booked you two on the helicopter ride/dog sledding excursion when we’re in Juneau. Mom and I will babysit!” Um… Say what? Damon was excited. I was terrified. And confused.  I’m not a huge fan of heights. Or animals, for that matter. So going up in a winged death-mobile to hang out with hundreds of dogs on a glacier is not really my thing. “Are you excited?” my dad asked. “DAD! DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME?” “Your husband will enjoy it.” “BUT WHAT ABOUT YOUR DAUGHTER?” “You used to be adventurous,” he said. “I have children now. Children who need their mother not to die in a catastrophic dog sledding accident.” My dad just laughed at me. “It’ll be good for you,” he said. A massage would be good for me. An uninterrupted nap would be good for me.  A treacherous expedition* to the...

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