The SnotSucker

Posted on Mar 5, 2015 in Adulthood Stole My Cool, My Kid Stole My Cool

The SnotSucker 0

Hello there, Interwebz. It’s been awhile.  A lot has happened since I last posted, but I’ll fill you in on all that another day.  Suffice to say, I have been existing in a sort of  semi-conscious state for several months. The baby. He does not sleep. I thought he would have grown out of the not-sleeping thing by now, but no. It’s torture.

(No, really. Chronic sleep deprivation is literally torture. I think Jack Bauer taught me that.)

But all this is unimportant compared to a life-changing invention that I’m about to introduce you to.  Ready for it?

It’s called… The Snotsucker.

Yup, you read that right.  The Snotsucker.

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Before I fill you in on this amazing/disgusting invention, a little background: It’s March. And it’s snowing. And it’s been snowing for pretty much ever. And Elisabeth has been in school approximately two days in the last month. And I am very much going crazy. Which explains why my first post in almost six months is about a nasal aspirator. Please send help in the form of babysitters, vacations to tropical islands, and tequila.

Okay, back to the Snotsucker. You savvy moms out there are probably already well-acquainted with this. It is the thing to have to effectively clear your baby’s nasal passages.  I mean, they sell it at Nordstrom so you know it’s trendy.  And who doesn’t want a trendy nasal aspirator?

Well I sure do! As I just mentioned it’s March and apparently I live in Siberia and for the past five months everyone in my house has been circulating The Crud. For those of us with well-developed fine motor skills, blowing our nose is not an issue.  The baby, unfortunately,  frequently has a bulb syringe shoved up his nose to suction out all the boogies. And there are oh-so-many boogies. With the Snotsucker, the baby still has a foreign object shoved up his nose, but one that much more effectively clears out all the snot.  It’s seriously amazing. And I’m not even being sarcastic.

It all started when I was wandering around – you guessed it – Nordstrom sometime during my third trimester. It had only been two-odd years since my first baby was born, yet somehow in that brief time the baby industry invented a slew of new products designed to make me feel like I was completely unprepared to bring my second baby in the world, despite the boxes of swings, mats, feeding supplies, toys, etc. I owned that suggested otherwise.  As I was despairing my lack of a battery operated baby nail trimmer, I noticed a shelving unit displaying The Honest Company products and some fancy-sounding European brand of baby toiletries. It was probably French. If you’ve read any parenting article recently, you know that French Parents are Superior at Everything, which I’m sure extends to their baby bath soaps and lotions.

I had hit the mother lode: Jessica Alba and French stuff. And proudly displayed alongside these hot commodities was the NoseFrida Snotsucker.

I was intrigued so more closely inspected the package. Hey – it was made in Sweden! A doctor-invented, doctor-recommended, hygienic baby product from the land of Ikea? I had to have it. The packaging even declared it “smart,” which is really incredible considering it’s an inanimate object. (I will also note that the website lists this as dishwasher safe. A selling point so strong that it is actually listed twice! Now you have a dishwasher safe, doctor-invented, doctor-recommended, hygienic, smart, Swedish baby product! What more could you possibly want?)

 

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Anyway, baby James arrived and was snot-free for many months. I forgot about this mysterious Swedish product. And then we moved to somewhere that is not California. And then came the snot. All the snot. All the time. Normally this would be a nuisance, but I had some strange European thing that would surely work miracles!

I excitedly took out the Snotsucker. I was ready to clear James’ nose like no one’s business. And then I read the directions.

You guys. You actually suck the snot out of the baby’s nose. Like, with your mouth. Though the name “Snotsucker” makes its purpose fairly obvious, (as does the illustration on the packaging) this fact somehow escaped me. I claim baby brain.

Now think about this. At some point some Swedish sadist came along and thought, “Hey, being a mom isn’t humiliating and disgusting enough. Let’s invent something with which she physically removes her child’s snot with her mouth.” Then he (because it had to be a he) marketed this in cute packaging and sold it at Nordstrom and people like me bought it.  And because I spent money on a fancy European snot-sucking device when the hospital will give you a bulb syringe for free, I had to use it.

So I sucked it up (heh) and did it. I put one end of that aspirator into James’ nose and the other in my mouth and sucked, praying I wouldn’t inhale anything. (There are filters to prevent that, but I was wary.) And here’s the thing: It worked. It worked so well. Way, way better than that cheap-o bulb from the hospital. I was amazed! The first few times I used it, James was still small enough to be restrained to accomplish the snot-sucking. Now he is twenty pounds of brute force and would rather fling himself off the changing table than have anything forced up his naval cavity, so I fear my days of snot-sucking are numbered. But I’m grateful for the limited time I had with the Snotsucker.

Moms – buy this product. People who know moms-to-be – buy them this product. You don’t even have to go Nordstrom – it’s sold on Amazon! And pretty much every baby site you can think of! (Um, maybe I was just out of the loop on this thing?) Regardless – don’t be out of the loop like me. I love it and you will love it, too. So buy it.*

You might be interested to know that this company also has a product designed to alleviate a baby’s gas, the Windi. Given the unconventionality of the Snotsucker, I’m not sure I want to try the Windi. I have to have some boundaries. But if you have used it, please let me know how it is.

 

*This is not a paid review. Seriously – who would pay anyone to write a review like this?

 

 

 

 

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